Peering through a window into my soul

With only one exception, I've written about my emotional state only within the context of a happy and fulfilling relationship that I now enjoy with my boyfriend, T.

But, if I were to dig deeper, and reach my underlying (and mostly-dormant) pre-T self, I'd find a much more reserved and moody boy, who had troubling doubts that he'd ever be understood and fully accepted, preferring to keep his guard up most of the time.  It wasn't necessarily a lack of self-confidence, but more a feeling of detachment from the ordinary to avoid feeling too much or getting hurt.  He zealously guarded this vulnerable and sensitive side of himself, whilst trying to project a confident and charming, yet slightly aloof, persona, who could easily deflect and outmanoeuvre any unwelcome attempts to probe uncomfortably deeper than he would normally permit.  Some of this former self still lingers on, providing familiar protection in stressful or uncomfortable situations.

To properly understand me, you need to understand my relationship with music.  Picking up from my initial discovery of music (which I related in a prior post), fast-forward ahead to my gap year, when I traveled around the country and in Europe, and began to regularly attend live indie music gigs with a vengeance, wherever I happened to be at the time.  During this time, I discovered a wonderfully obscure indietronic band whose lovingly-crafted songs seemed to speak directly to my well-hidden soul.  With a disarming pop sensibility, as well as multilayered brooding lyrics, Mobius Band just seemed to echo and reflect on emotions and thoughts that I believed were uniquely mine, and for which I had difficulty putting into my own words.  Hearing back what I was feeling deeply within myself, gave me some hope that there might be others out there who just seemed to relate to what I was feeling.

It is difficult to put it into words why the songs from their The Loving Sounds of Static album mean so much to me.  It's neither just the lyrics nor the tune, but how the song itself makes me feel: happy, reflective, acknowledged, vulnerable, melancholy, and even a bit empowered.  I connect with this album in a way that evokes an uniquely personal emotional response, as if it replenishes my self-confidence and empowers my ability to detach myself from people and stressful situations that I have little or no control over.  The lyrics themselves are rather ambiguous and can be interpreted in several ways, with various layers of meaning.  To me, the moodiness, intertwined with bittersweet yearning, was what I found so disarming to my defenses and bared open a window to peer through into my own soul.  Perhaps an example will help to illuminate what I am trying to convey here, for it seems to be the best way I can think of for any of you to best understand who I am, or at least, who I used to be.

Detach - Mobius Band


Some of the key lyrics that just seem to resonate with me:

'I see it happening, again and again. We're young and heartless in our way, you just never say it.'

'I won't lie if it's all what you want and nothing more. I won't crush your lonely days.'

'So let's turn nickel into stone, and alchemise ourselves into something else.  It's all a game we play, but you just never say it.'

Another song off The Loving Sounds of Static that I have a deep attachment to is Philadelphia.

For me, 'Philadelphia', itself, is a dark metaphor, rich with personal meaning.  When I was quite young, I was travelling with my parents in Philadelphia, and I somehow wandered off and soon found myself temporarily lost in the midst of a throng of seemingly angry and strange people.  I was immobilised by terror and felt completely alienated from what was going on around me, and no one seemed to care.  Not entirely unlike the scene in the film, Empire of the Sun, where the main character is separated from his parents, a scene that still seems to resonate deeply with me.  No doubt, having to do with my fears of abandonment and vulnerability; but, I also with an irrational fear of being hurt, kidnapped, or even raped. =/  

I think I've pretty much outgrown such fears.  But, there are times when I still get that familiar dark irrational feeling deep inside that someone might have rather bad intentions towards me, which has never actually materialised, with one notable exception. =[  So, this song seems to reflect some of those dark feelings for me, whilst also providing me with an odd level of comfort, as well.  It allows me to revisit something that terrified me once and to relive some of those feelings; but, remotely, at a safe distance.

Philadelphia - Mobius Band

'If you're on the block, you better watch your back.  Someone might sneak up, thirsty for what you have.' 

'Philadelphia, you got it on lockdown.  But there's no way that this atmosphere won't crow/grow/corrode with fear.' 

'You know that it's just a trick of light.  The days and nights that crowd up your sun.  Philadelphia.'

'Ain't it funny how times can change, arrangements rearrange.  The man you trust with your life is looking at you sideways now.'

There is an incredibly special moment when you find that what you believed were intensely personal and private thoughts could be similarly expressed by an artist or musician in such a way that it feels like your soul is being bared and suddenly open to new interpretations.  Music has the added advantage over other media in its ability to bypass our reluctance to accept help and somehow slip through and begin to work its healing magic.  These songs got me through my turbulent teen years, and continue to be a wonderful personal touchstone in my development, now, as a post-teen.